From: Mom, 49, Fayetteville, NC
To: Jason Paul, 29, Seattle, WA
When I look back over the last 29 1/2 yrs, I am amazed & awestruck at how quickly the time has flown by….but, the heart/spirit doesn’t always recognize the passing of time in quite the same way that our “logical minds” do… It was only “yesterday”, when you were riding your tricycle in the back driveway, playing with your imaginary friends (”Dooney” and “Mayla”) and helping me in our garden, while your big sister was at school….fast forward a few yrs, and you are running into the chain-link fence, the first time the training wheels came off of your bicycle….then a few more years pass, and we are riding off in the early morning hours, each of us on our bicycles, heading off to school and work, riding thru the cool morning mists, with the feeling of “freedom” that comes of riding fast thru the shadows of light and dark, just as dawn was breaking thru….
and a few more years, there we are, driving around the empty parking lots of the middle school, where you are learning to drive a “stick shift” in our little VW pickup truck, at the age of 14. 29 years, gone by in an instant, in the blink of an eye. Isn’t life strange? And mysterious? And a beautiful and rare privelege? (Remember this one? “I love you - a bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck”?)
I want you to know that the greatest privelege of my entire life has been to be the vessel that God used to bring you into this world. My memory of holding you, the very first time, as a new-born infant, is crystal-clear…almost tangible… it’s amazing, but I can still remember your unique smell, and the feel of your tiny hand as it held onto my finger…and the intense joy that rose up within me, every time I would hold you to my breast. Your instinctive smile, caring/ giving nature and compassionate character have always been a source of genuine joy, gratitude and quiet pride for me. (”You are my sunshine.”) I know that I made so many mistakes, over the years, and that many of those mistakes caused you great pain and terrible grief. For that, my heart will always be sorrowful. My own selfishness and fear have caused you pain, and if I could go back and do it all over again, I would try to take those moments back, and would try harder to “shield you” from the hurt. But we both know that life doesn’t work this way. And so…every single day, when I pray for you, I pray that God will heal those deeply bruised places completely, and put them as far away from your spirit as the East is from the West. Did you know that the pain does not have to separate you from the Source of all Love, but can be a pathway to help draw you closer to Him. He is waiting for you to open your heart and mind to Him. My son, beware of cynicism, fear, mistrust, defensiveness, remorse, selfishness and ingratitude. They will steal your joy - your peace - and your connection to that Source. They will disconnect you from your very self and from others, and create pathways of dark confusion & fear.
Despite those times of turmoil, confusion, pain, regret and grief, the love that lives in my heart for you will never, ever die. I know that we have had our “differences”, and have not always seen “eye-to-eye”. But, the love has never dimished, but has always increased and deepened, year after year (such is the nature of the love of a parent for a child…..only a small reflection of the love of God for His creation and for all humankind).
More than words could ever express, I am grateful to you for the incredible & profound difference that you have made in my life….for the ways that you have given of yourself, and reached out for me at those times when noone else had the courage to do so, as the pain and grief was so great…..to the point of consuming life itself. I remember, like it was yesterday, dancing arm in arm, to the voice of Kermit the Frog, singing “The Rainbow Connection”. Thank you for caring, for sharing and for being so honest (brutal at times, but refreshing at others….both appreciated). Thank you for ALL that you have taught me, from that moment you first emerged into this world, up to this very day. Thank you for having such a fierce and loyal heart - the heart of a lion. With the spirit of a gentle lamb.
In this life - and in the next - I wish for you: peace… mercy… compassion… friendship… fulfillment… joy… hope… purpose/meaning… contentment… grace… forgiveness… honesty…
understanding… comfort… humility… gratitude… wisdom… genuine & supportive friendships…and love that is overflowing, more than your heart could ever contain. But, more than all of this, I hope that you are able to determine the meaning of your own existence, and the genuine awareness & gratitude that comes of knowing your purpose. When you were small, I tried to instill in you this simple, but powerful truth: that you were made BY God, FOR God…to know, love and serve Him - AND - to know, love and serve others. If you can ever realize this, deep within your soul, you WILL reach a new level of appreciation for all things,
including your own self. The healing will come in waves. The love will be overflowing. The peace will be permanent.
When I draw my last breath on this earth, “LOVE” will be the only thing that will have made real sense, and in LOVE the meaning of life remains… and continues on and on (like ripples in a pond..but a pond the size of the ocean). I will love you with my last breath, and in the mystery of the incredible power and strength found in love, I pray that I will love you into the next life as well. I pray that God will allow me to be there, to welcome you into Heaven, when that time comes. It is my belief that we will recognize each other in Heaven, the place of perfect peace. His grace is endless; His mercy is boundless. (It was the story of the Prodigal Son that helped me to remember that truth anew, in October of 2004.)
Life is a miracle. Love is a miracle. You are a miracle. Loved by me…and loved so much more by God.
With a heartful of gratitude,
and overflowing with love,
always and forever.
Me Too (aka: Mom
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